If I had £30 million at Arsenal

here's how I'd spend it:

OUT: Almunia - probably good enough to be a number 1 and deserves to start every game. But not here.
Amount: £4million

OUT: Silvestre - absolutely useless. Only worth anything by virtue of the clubs he has played for.
Amount: £1 million

OUT: Rosicky - fans favourite but never stays fit long enough to hit form. Career in a rut and needs a fresh start in a slower league.
Amount: £5 million

OUT: Eduardo - Another player with undeniable ability but another that is probably not up to the day to day physicality. Could go to Italy and score 30 a season.
Amount: £8 million

OUT: Denilson - the worst of the creative midfielders. OK not the worst, the least brilliant. Cash in.
Amount: £ 6 million

OUT: Vela - come on. Next season, Simpson, Walcott, Bendtner will all be ahead of him. Let him have a go somewhere else.
Amount: £4 million

All of the above raises £28million, which along with the £30 million rumoured to be in the, um, Arsenal, gives a decent-size budget. Then it goes:

IN: Akinfeev / Lloris. Time for a big name between the sticks. Someone who can lead, and in turn be responsive to the defence. Joe Hart would drop one cross and then lose his confidence for the next 5 games, you feel.
Amount: £15-20 million

IN: Chamakh - already done. Useful in the air, which someone needs to be in this team.
Amount: Free

IN: Nigel de Jong - a kicker who can pass. Man City don't even play him. He's 25. Name one better option.
Amount: £10 million

IN: Luis Suarez - has scored 72 in 96 for Ajax, quick as lightning, and could play nicely off van Persie upfront.
Amount: £15million

IN: Leonardo Bonucci - centre back who can play on the right or left hand side. Recently capped by Italy for the first time, and is billed as the next Alessandro Nesta. Who, in 10 years time, will still be sharper than Campbell. This is a typical Wenger buy, and you have to allow him at least one.
Amount: £10 million

Job done. And all with a couple of million to spare, to spend poaching the next Carling Cup side from the rest of the world. It's big, bold, and sometimes obvious spending, but sometimes you can analyse football too much. Sometimes names win prizes as much as genius coaches.

Political Parties as Football Teams

Couldn't resist the chance to combine football and politics. Below is my definitive list of Political Parties as Premiership Football teams.

Labour - Man Utd. After years in the wilderness has dominated its competition thanks to one charismatic leader, many of whom believe to be a tosser despite admiring his success. Most of their fans would like to see the current owners removed, and the rest of the country would like to see someone else in power. Its working class roots look more and more tenuous as the years go by.

Conservatives - Liverpool. Long spells of dominance, but in recent history have looked like they don't have a clue. Have a habit for not spending money where it needs to be spent. Believe themselves to be entirely different from their nearest rivals, despite being pretty much the same. Success may be finally on the horizon. Although we say that every year.

Lib Dems - Tottenham. See themselves as a genuine threat to the established order, but throughout history have come unstuck when placed into direct combat with them. Would like to think they have more fans than they actually do.

Green Party - Arsenal. Ultimately more interested in doing things the right way than achieving success. Still, everybody's second favorite.

UKIP - Bolton. New kids on the block who occasionally upset the odds when pitted against the big boys. Popular with people who remember the 'good old days' but are ultimately a bit too boring and British for most people's liking.

BNP - Stoke City. Achieving a surprising level of success, although nobody agrees with their methods.